Told my 9 year old school is cancelled for at least 4 weeks due to coronavirus and he asked why scientists don’t just develop “nanorobots to go in our blood and eat the virus.” So if you lazy scientists could hurry it up he’d appreciate it thnx
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Me: I’m way tougher than you.
Wife: I gave birth twice without an epidural.
Me: So?
Wife: You called in sick for an ice cream headache.
Always the bridesmaid, never the winner of the office costume party because I keep going as a bridesmaid
[being murdered]
Me: hey Alexa, how about a little mood music over here
My neck, my back. My pizza and my snacks.
imagine if bumblebees made full-volume harley davidson noises. this is the only thing that could possibly improve them
I stuff the hamster bubble with Cheetos and roll it across the room to you like a bowling ball. You don’t know what the hell just happened… but you’re in love.
Just ordered me some pizza!
If you introduce yourself as Sal, just know that I will be disappointed when you reveal that’s NOT short for Salami
Anyone who’s ever stood in a busy McDonald’s line at 10:29am not knowing what to get has been closer to getting murdered than they realize.
Has anyone mastered the art of nonchalantly walking past a policeman?
Her, 5: can I have another pickle?
Me: no more pickles
Her: can I stare at the pickles?
Me: sure
If theres an otter, youre underwater. If a ferret you see, then on land you be.
ATTN: @MikeBloomberg. Your campaign is clearly struggling. Hire me to write jokes for you. Here’s a sample: “Bernie Sanders is so old that the first time he ran for president the election got hacked by PRUSSIA!”
I’d rather my son bring home a pregnant girl than head lice
One of my “100 things to do before you die” would definitely be “call an ambulance”.
My kids sure do make a lot of plans for being people who don’t know how to drive themselves anywhere.
My girlfriend sat up in bed at 3am and yelled “they’ll never find his body” and then giggled. So no sleeping ever again i guess.
[A pterodactyl walks into a bar]
“Ptequila, pthanks.”
a potato meteor that cooks itself as it hurdles toward the earth and lands on your plate hot and ready
McDonald’s Drive thru: Sorry Drive Thru is closed. You can come inside if you want.
Me: Um
McDonald’s: We’re having some technical difficulties and are overwhelmed right now and decided to shut it down.And that’s how I learned about the importance of self care from McDonald’s.
Me: shit that alligator’s waving at me.
Girlfriend: you shouldn’t have told him that you’d see him later.
Me *under the table*: I was just being nice.
My wife: did you get high and watch samurai movies again
Me, crying: yes
My wife: did he die because he was burdened by the very code he lives for again
Me, my voice breaking into a sob: yes
When you see a picture of my kids and it’s captioned “The reason I wake up every day” it’s not me being sweet. It’s the truth, I literally cannot sleep-in with these little heathens in the house.
If you think women are the weaker sex, try pulling the blankets back to your side.
Sorry I didn’t want to hold YOUR baby because I was holding MY baby
*Sips Margarita
HER: You ran over my cat
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME [imagines myself napping all day and pushing things off shelves] ok
“Genetically modified food is very much safe for human consumption” the tomato on my plate reassuringly explained to me.
WIFE: I need a new book. Something to really get my teeth into
ME: You’re thinking of a sandwich
He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.
Most bags of sand live a tough life stopping floods. But some, the lucky ones, live a leisurely life tied to the basket of a hot air balloon